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The Complicated Layers of ADHD

In the article “Your Child’s ADHD is and Iceberg,” author Penny Williams compares Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to an iceberg. In detail, an iceberg has many layers that are not visible to the human eye. Correspondingly, just like an iceberg, one that has ADHD do not have visible symptoms that are easily recognizable. Symptoms such as inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity are very important to take notice of. Williams notes that “these traits are too often mistaken for character flaws, personality defects, or moral or ethical deficits. They’re not any of those things.” In this case, it is necessary for parents to pay close attention to their child and be consciously aware of their symptoms. 

Within each layer of ADHD there are the following:

1. Poor Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Kids who struggle with ADHD may experience poor self-esteem. It is the parent’s job to help their child regain their self-confidence by creating opportunities such as calm environments and activities where your child can excel in.

2. Developmental Delays Williams states that “children with ADHD develop 2-3 years more slowly than their peers.” This can impact their maturity, social skills, executive functioning, emotional dysregulation, and self-regulation. 

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3. Inflexibility It is seen that kids with ADHD may be more stubborn than willing. Inflexibility prevents children from being able to manage their emotions: they do not have the skills to notice that their emotions can be changed rather than one way. 

4. Intensity When children's emotional awareness, self-regulation, frustration tolerance increase, it can lead to hypersensitivity that can make them have extreme emotions. When this happens, instead of trying to resolve this intensity and get to the bottom of it, ask your child, “How can I help you?” This will help your child understand that you are there for them and are trying to help them.

5. Emotional Dysregulation Children with ADHD may have a hard time regulating their emotions that’s appropriate for given situation and/or their age. They may have a difficult time with expressing and regulating their emotions at home, to the family, at school, and in social interactions with peers.

6. Co-Existing Conditions According to Penny Williams, “it’s estimated that 50 to 60 percent of individuals with ADHD also have one or more coexisting conditions.” These conditions include mood disorders, anxiety, autism, learning disabilities, functioning deficits, and more. As a parent, it is important to keep and eye out for signs of distress in order to fully understand and help your child effectively. 

7. Skill Deficits Skill deficits are very common for those who have ADHD. Because ADHD is a developmental disorder, kids with ADHD may not have fully developed skills on how to manage and regulate their time, frustrations, plans, emotions, problems, etc. However, these skills can be taught improved over time with a little bit of practice and help from the parents.

8. Executive Functioning Deficits Executive functioning skills such as learning how to manage one’s day, organizing, starting tasks, regulating one’s emotions, and managing one’s time may fall apart if one exhibits executive functioning deficits. As a parent it is dire to identify your child’s level of executive functioning and continue to be flexible when it comes to adapting for areas of weakness in the classroom and at home.

9. Time Blindness People with ADHD may have trouble with the concept of time. For example, 30 min. may feel like forever or just a quick second. People with ADHD may not have an innate sense of what it feels like. William notes that you can tell a child that ”you have until the end of class,” or, “You have one hour,” but that will mean virtually nothing to someone with time blindness. 

10. Meltdowns In order to get what they want, children may throw temper tantrums to get their parents attention. Generally, to get what they want, children may have a meltdown or a tantrum. However, a meltdown is different than a tantrum. In detail, during a meltdown your child is no longer in control of what they are saying or doing. Similarly, a meltdown can be triggered by a tantrum, which usually comes first, along with sensory overload, feeling misunderstood nor heard. During this time your child can not go through their actions and rationalize what they have done. At this time, it is important for you as parents to not give in to what they originally wanted: why they through the temper tantrum and had a meltdown in the person. If you give in, then your child will associate meltdowns as a way to achieve what they want every time, essentially reinforcing the tantrums and meltdowns.

11. School Incompatibility Students with ADHD may have a harder time in school because all assignments are not subjected for their needs. Furthermore, Williams states that in school “students must sit still, be quiet, and remain attentive for long periods of time.” However, kids with ADHD may not handle staying still for long periods of time nor does the teacher realize that it is very difficult for these students. These weaknesses and challenges are rarely considered by teachers and parents.  Your child may not be able to make all of your expectations and that is okay, this is when one needs to be flexible. 

12. Pills Don’t Teach Skills There is not one medication that solves everything: there is no magic pill.  Certain medications may affect one physically on the outside (hyper focus or hyperactivity), but on the contrary, the layers beneath one are yet to be cured with one pop of a pill. In order to get past this, as parents, it is essential to pay attention to your child’s self-esteem and work on building it up with them. To do that, you must focus on your child’s inflexibility, intensity, emotional dysregulation, skill deficits, time blindness, etc.

Focus on looking below the surface and deeper into your child’s everyday actions and emotions. This will not only contribute to the growth of you and your child’s relationship, but their well-being and mental health as well. Williams describes that “these hidden layers are all part of ADHD. Together, they form that beautiful but dangerous iceberg. Others might not see them; you must.” 

For more information on ADHD and its symptoms, please contact us. To learn how we can help you or your child who may be struggling with being successful with ADHD, contact us or visit our website. For more information on therapy, visit Hilber Psychological Services. 

To learn how Neurofeedback can help with the “white-knuckling” experience of ADHD, visit San Diego Center for Neurofeedback, APPC or contact us for for more information.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References 

Williams, Penny. “Your Child’s ADHD is an Iceberg.” ADHD Symptoms in Children. ADDitude. Web. 28 Jan. 2019. https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-hidden-parents-educators/

Help your Child become Resilient

In the article “Resilient Kids Come From Parents Who Do These 8 Things,” Lizzy Francis recognizes what it takes for children to learn how to be resilient when their parents do the following eight things.

When your child gets frustrated, whether it’s because he or she can’t put together LEGO pieces or does not yet understand a math problem, this is the time to teach your child how to bounce back from being discouraged and how to overcome their struggles. If taught properly, children will understand how to overcome their struggles and how to better handle their stress. When resilience is learned from a young age through numerous lessons, children will be able to manage their stressors better as adults.

According to Amy Morin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and the author of “13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do”, she explains in detail of eight common ways parents can raise their children to become resilient.

1. Let Your Child Struggle

As a parent, it is your job to provide a guide for your child to navigate through life. However, this guide will only get them so far in life. It is up to them to take the skills and knowledge that you have taught them into their own hands to practice and be okay with making mistakes along the way. Francis notes that the parents who teach their child that hard work is important and that it may also be difficult to practice are those who raised a well-adjusted child. If they are more well adjusted then they will understand how to cope with stress and persevere through their struggles.

2. Let Your Child Experience Rejection

It is essential for your child to understand the word “no” and what it entails. No matter how much your child may want something or need someone to rely on, it is your job to stick to your word and not give in. Francis insinuates that failure can be one of the greatest life lessons that a child can understand.

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3. Don’t condone a Fixed Mentality

It is important for you, as a parent, to not give in to your child’s helplessness. For example, if your child gets a bad grade on a test it is not the teachers fault for not explaining the material well enough, but your child’s responsibility to ask for help if they don’t understand. As much as you would like to take your child’s side, it is important to teach your child that things don’t always work out the way they think they will: that life isn’t fair. This idea will spur their sense of responsibility in order to not be in this situation again. No matter how easy it may be to advocate for your child, it is important to encourage the idea that life isn’t fair and that they are able to advocate for themselves. Don’t condone to letting your child put the blame on someone else.

4. Do More Than Tell Them to ‘Buck Up’ When Struggles Occur

Instead of putting the emotional strain on your child by telling them to just “deal with it,” validate their emotions first and then give them advice on how to get through their struggles. Tell them that you understand where they are coming from to empathize and validate the feelings. If they open up about their feelings to you now, then later in life they will have the confidence to communicate how they feel because they were validated when they were younger.

5. Help your Kids Learn How to Label Their Feelings and Emotions

Help your child feel comfortable expressing their feelings out loud. If they acknowledge their emotions out loud, then they are less likely to act upon them or “show” their feelings. For example, if your child says “I’m mad,” they are less likely to scream at you because words are more powerful communication.

6. Give Your Kids The Tools to Self Soothe

Although coloring books, play-doh, and lotions that smell good may calm some children down, they do not act as stress relievers for everyone. As long as you provide your child with an outlet, such as a sport, active task, or a musical instrument, your child will receive the skills it takes to calm themselves down. Then remind your child that these are helpful when they want to feel better. Not only will they learn how to take responsibility for their feelings, but how to cope with them in the future.

7. Admit Your Mistakes. And Then They Fix Them

Utilize your own mistakes to teach your child how to respond to failures. This will show that even parents make mistakes and that not everyone is perfect. Kids tend to forget this idea and put so much pressure to be as perfect as their parents. But in fact, even the most well-rounded parents tend to mess up sometimes. The important thing to note is that one should own up to their mistakes in front of their child so that they see that you are acknowledging the mistake and then going to fix it.

8. Always Connect Your Kid’s Self Worth to Their Level of Effort

When there is a common outcome that students strive to succeed, some may cheat their way up to the top in order to get that A. The idea is to teach your child that through hard work, practice, and honesty, they will get to the top instead of faking it until they make it. Morin states that “the kid who grows up knowing that it’s all about their effort, rather than their outcome, is going to be more resilient when they fail or when they get rejected.” These children who will grow up to be resilient are not the ones who received the stereotypical feedback of doing a good job because they are a girl or a boy but because they had an awesome support system cheering them on to go the extra length.

Whether your child is a boy or a girl, it is not only what you say to them (for a girl: good job because you studied hard & for a boy: good job because you are smart) it is also how you communicate your feelings in a certain tone and at the right time.

For more information on how to help your children increase their resilience or how to put these above steps into action, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services.

-Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Francis, Lizzy. “Resilient Kids Come From Parents Who Do These 8 Things.” Love and Money. Fatherly. Web. 26 Nov. 2018. https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/build-resilient-kids-prepared-for-life/
Morin, A. (2017). 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success. New York, NY: William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins.

Low Confidence with Bright Girls

In the article “Why Bright Girls Struggle: When Ability Doesn't Lead to Confidence,” Katherine of A Mighty Girl, acknowledges the differences between the positive affirmations men and women need. In detail, she describes how bright girls tend to doubt themselves because they do not think that they can succeed at something new and challenging.

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Girls may not realize that the hardest obstacle to overcome is within themselves. In order to succeed, girls may hold themselves to a higher standard. However, this harsh judgement can get too much into their heads and make them doubt even simple tasks more than men would. For example, psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson, the author of “Nine Things Successful People Do Differently,” writes "at the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science... [but] bright girls [are] much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence, and to become less effective learners as a result." Halvorson notes that even though girls do better than boys do in school, girls are more likely to lose faith in their ability to succeed time after time. In fact, girls may give up quicker than boys when a task appears more complex or difficult and girls who have straight A’s and a higher intelligence are more likely to give up sooner than others.

We, as individuals, need to understand why bright girls question their abilities and how we can help them feel more confident. Instead of letting girls give up when a task is too complex, we should encourage them to keep going not only because we believe in them but because they are already good at the task, they may be just doubting themselves and tenacity is helpful in these situations. Practice makes better, even when they’re struggling.

Further studies have discovered that girls believe that their abilities are unchangeable (a fixed mindset), while boys believe that their effort and practice will be enough to get them through (a growth mindset). This difference in attitude is based on the kind of feedback that each gender receives. For instance, boys are given feedback that emphasizes their effort whether they need to apply themselves more or are doing a good job. On the other hand, girls are given feedback on how smart and good they are or are not. These beliefs can create self doubt and possibly maintain the self doubt throughout their lives if they are not changed.

If women question their ability to succeed then one should embrace what they can do versus what they can’t. Have confidence in oneself to accomplish and accept challenges one may face. Keep working hard because practice makes better!

For more information on how to help your teen increase their confidence, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services.

-Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Katherine. “Why Bright Girls Struggle: When Ability Doesn't Lead to Confidence.” A Mighty Girl. 18 Nov. 2018. Web. https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=21158

Grant Halvorson, Heidi. “The Trouble With Bright Girls.” Psychology Today. 11 Jan. 2011. Web. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-success/201101/the-trouble-bright-girls

Grant Halvorson, Heidi. (2012) Nine Things Successful People Do Differently. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Publishing.

Parent's Perspective of the Tween's brain

In the article, “This mother's description of her tween son's brain is a must-read for all parents,” Annie Reneau described an example of good parenting. There is no true definition of great parenting, but one that comes close to that is someone who is willing to take the time to talk to their child. In order to gain a better perspective of what is going through your child’s mind, both you and your child should both take the time to respectfully listen to each other. This is the time to acknowledge that your child is going through a stage, called puberty, where it is very difficult for your child to control their emotions. This is not a time to yell at your child for being moody, but an instance where you can help your child understand why they are moody in the first place. Maybe they don’t even know what or why they are saying something in a specific tone in the first place.

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All mothers have to raise their child into the teen years, so why not treat the scenario the best you can? A mother of an 11-year-old boy asked a question about parenting on Quora: “How do I tell my wonderful 11 year old son, (in a way that won’t tear him down), that the way he has started talking to me (disrespectfully) makes me not want to be around him (I’ve already told him the bad attitude is unacceptable)?”

Reneau interviewed Jo Eberhardt, a mother of two, who replied with a solid answer to the common question “how do I talk to my child about their emotions and their attitude towards me when they are experiencing puberty without pushing them away?” Eberhardt recounts a discussion that she had with her 11 ½-year-old son who was experiencing what every tween child goes through, the terrible twos all over again...puberty.

Instead of Eberhardt telling her son you did this because or you did that because, she remembered that is was not her son who purposefully talked to her rudely, but his brain. We forget that it is our brain that is controlling our emotions and changing as we grow and age. She stated that “Not only is your body being transformed from a child’s body to an adult’s body, your brain has to be completely rewritten from a child's brain to an adult’s brain” because at age 5 or 6 it was fully developed for a child but not yet ready to fit an adult body. Puberty is the training process for your brain to get used to your new body and fully develop a sense of who you are.

Certain parts of the brain such as the amygdala, a part of the brain that controls your emotions, also control how much sleep one gets and how cranky one may be in the morning. Eberhardt’s son began to understand how his moodiness could come off frustrating to his mother. Not only did he come to a consensus, but so did his mother who also realized how unmanageable it may be for an adult-sized amygdala hitting all your emotion buttons at once.

This is the time when one needs to raise their child's spirit and be careful not to break it. Admit to your child that it is not their fault for not having a fully developed amygdala and frontal cortex, but instead, praise them for seeing that their bodies are changing and the hormone changes that come with it.

By explaining the physiological reasons behind their changing bodies, children may begin to understand that it is puberty’s fault that their brain is working the way it does. Eberhardt stated that it is still your responsibility to take ownership of your actions and recognize what is going on and choose another way: “You get to choose what you do with your feelings. And, when you make a mistake, you get to choose to apologize for that mistake and make amends.”

Keep empathizing and communicating with your child. This way “when we let one’s kids know that we're going through these various phases together, it's easier to work with them instead of against them” (Ebehardt). As their adult brain is developing, they need to realize that their hormones are ranging and how to control them. At least now they know it is not their fault for being moody and why. Every child goes through this treacherous stage in life, so give them some slack because you went through it too.

Contact us for more information on how to communicate with your child and how your family can function best throughout puberty. For more information on therapy, visit FAQ at Hilber Psychological Services.

-Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Reneau, Annie. “This mother's description of her tween son's brain is a must-read for all parents.” UpWorthy. Web. 4 Jan. 2019. https://www.upworthy.com/this-mother-s-description-of-her-tween-son-s-brain-is-a-must-read-for-all-parents